URC 1- Ultimate Roshambo Championship

So here’s the plan.  This is a single elimination Roshambo Championship.  For all of you that don’t know what roshambo is, it’s where you stand with your legs square to your shoulders and allow someone else to kick you in the testicles.  First person to quit….loses.  This event is INVITE only, chosen by me, of those fighters who are the chump of all chumps and I believe should be kicked in the balls.  Enjoy!

Round 1: #4Karo Parisyan vs #3Brock Lesnar

#5 Roger Huerta vs #2 Lyoto Machida

#1 Chump Kimbo Slice: 1st Round Bye

Karo Parisyan, steps up after losing the cointoss and takes one look at Brock Lesnar.  Much like all of Karo’s fights, there’s no action because he quits.  Lyoto Machida wins the coin toss for the 2nd match and kicks Huerta a foot off the of the ground.  It was noted that Huerta was crying before he even showed up at the arena because he spent too much time thinking about his bumpy childhood.  On to the next round!

Round 2: Semifinals #1 Kimbo Slice vs #3 Brock Lesnar

Lyoto gets Round 2 Bye guaranteeing a spot in the URC Finals

Kimbo wins the cointoss and elects to take first kicks!  The crowd goes wild and gives him a standing ovation for making a good choice for the first time in his life.  Minutes pass and the fighters square up face to face a foots length away from each other.  Kimbo lands a solid kick to the groin and Brock begins to hop around like he’s roping a calf much like after the Heath Herring fight.  Suspicions now arise and Kimbo’s corner throws the red challenge flag.  No man can take such punishment.  The commission inspects Brock’s groin and notices that he’s tied up his testes like a bull who is about to be ridden and it disqualified.  The finals are set, Kimbo Slice vs Lyoto Machida!

FINALS: #1Kimbo Slice vs #2Lytoto Machida

Lyoto wins the cointoss stating “tails never fails” and elects to kick second.  Something seems a little fishy here because he has this sly shit eating grin on his face.  The fighters get in a stare down and what looked like a hypodermic needle falls out of Kimbo’s beard.  There is no regulation on illegal substances so the chump-off begins!  Kimbo kicks Lyoto squarely and he seems to be out of breath but doesn’t fall over or even wince from the pain of being kicked in the balls.  There’s the grin from Lyoto again, and Kimbo has no idea what just happened.  Lyoto unleashes a fierce kick to Kimbo’s genitals prompting him to fall to the ground screaming for his mother.  The ref steps in and Kimbo announces his forfeiture of the match.  Every man in the audience is wincing now, while the women laugh and point unmercilessly.  Here comes the announcer Mat Houchens to congratulate and go over the replay of the final match.
“Congratulations Lyoto, you’re the first winner in the URC.”

“Thanks Mat, first I want to thank my sponsors Barrack Obama and Osama Bin Laden.  I can see myself winning every URC from here on out and I thank God that I got the invite to come and be part of this great organization”

“So what’s your secret to taking such a ferocious kick to the groin and why did you defer your first kick to Kimbo?”

“Well Mat, I gave the first kick to Kimbo because I was 100% sure that I would win the match.  I felt bad for all the fans who watch me fight in the UFC and don’t push any action so I wanted to spice things up a bit.  This was for all the people out there who don’t like me, they got to see me take a kick from a huge man who is only a fighter because he exploited himself on YouTube.  I also have a huge secret Mat.  Would you like to know what it is?”

“Of course, that would be spectacular.”

At this point in the interview, Lyoto unties his fight shorts exposing his nether region.

“You see Mat, I have no balls!”

“That’s amazing Lyoto!  Our time here is up, see you next month for URC 2!”

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